3 months ago Funny, General

Coeliac Scenarios

First Date

Ahhh, the first date – the bane of every miserable singleton’s existence. One cheek, two cheek, handshake, hug? Throw in an intolerance to 99.9% of the world’s most delicious main courses and you’re in for one hell of an evening…

The night gets off to a good start, double cheek kiss, a little too European for my liking but 10/10 for efficiency. Classy move after classy move, he pulls my chair away from the table, my legs tremble as I slowly take a seat knowing the real struggle is only just beginning. I catch sight of the menu, my blood starts to boil as I reminisce on darker days in my coeliac past. I hold a kind hatred for uncompromising restaurant menus reserved only for serial killers and Piers Morgan. “Give me your best shot” I hear it say…

So, this is what my life has come to – dry leaves complemented somewhat with a side of self loathing. You win this round, Menu, but I won’t let you spoil my 48th chance of finding love. The conversation grinds to a halt when my table-buddy attempts to spoon feed me a portion of his Steak Pie. Back off Casablanca, today is not your day. I decide to come clean…

“I Can’t Gluten”. He glares at me like a rabbit in headlights, I smile nervously, and after what feels like 25 minutes passes by, my ex-potential-life-partner responds with a disappointingly predictable barrage of questions. “Can you eat cake? No. Bread? No. Beer? No.” The interrogation continued until questioning reached the only conclusion it ever could “Well what can you eat?!”It’s at this point I excuse myself to the restroom, and after 5 minutes of shimmying and shaking I am out of the bathroom window, on the home straight. One shoe down and my emergency No_G Pork Pie in hand, maybe this relationship bag isn’t for me…

Moral Of This Week’s Story: An emergency TooGood Pork Pie is always a good idea.


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