Oh the joys of the coeliac life. As if the consistent snack-induced misery wasn’t enough, we are condemned to a lifetime of ill-educated, mildly insulting questioning relating to the nature of our disease. New to the intolerance game? We’ve got your back. Here are a few of questions you’re likely to hear – we’ve even provided you with a set of auto-responses. Jeez…we’re too good to you.
Q1) It’s not a real disease though, is it?
A1) Time to get yo’ science on. Explain the ins and outs of coeliac disease. Hope that your interrogator doesn’t fall asleep.
A2) Proceed to explain, in all it’s explosive, vomit inducing glory, the full detail of your last gluten encounter. The use of sound effects is highly recommended.
Q2) So…what *can* you eat?
A1) “Well good sir, I am unable to eat any produce containing gluten, a protein found in wheat, rye and barley. This includes a number of the worlds most popular foodstuff, such as bread, pie, pasta, cereal, cake, biscuits, beer. I must often find tasty alternatives to the things I love, such as No_G pies, to give one completely randomly chosen example.”
A2) Break down in tears. Make this as convincing as possible. Try murmuring the words “I miss cake” mid-blub. This method ensures that you will never be asked again.