We don’t know about you, but we’re sick and tired of these rom-coms and the unrealistic visions of romance which they portray. Thinking of standing outside my window in the middle of the night with a boom box playing Lady in Red? No thank you. We don’t care what day of the week it is – nobody interrupts our nap time. Thinking of sprinting through the airport to tell us not to leave just before our flight jets off? Don’t think so pal, we’ve payed for this flight and we’ll bloody well board it.
If we’re all being honest now, the key to a man/woman’s heart is food; and with this in mind we present to you: the ten steps to the best valentine’s night of your life…
- Preparation is key. You’ll need about 11 different pies and you need to keep them well hidden. You’re going to want Elton John loaded up on the iPod and you’re going to have to book the afternoon off work – this ain’t no amateur affair!
- Start by decorating the bath. Petals are so clichéd, what your other half would really love is little pie crumbs sprinkled around the side of the bath. Stick candles in some of the pies and place around the bathroom. Turn down the lights for extra ambience
- Wait by the door for your partner to arrive. When they arrive, take their coat, hand them a towel and lead them to the tub. On entry into the water, present them with a pork pie and whisper softly “this is just the beginning”…
- Whilst they’re bathing, create another pie-crumb trail that leads from the bath to the dining room. Sprinkle the last of the crumbs onto the set table for that extra wow factor.
- Turn on Elton’s greatest hits – we’d suggest Can You Feel The Love Tonight as the soundtrack to your partner’s entry into the dining room.
- Lead them by the hand towards their chair and once seated, lift the silver cloche to reveal one perfectly cooked Steak, Merlot and Shallot pie. Whisper “Dinner is served” in your most seductive French accent and watch your partner tremble with lust.
- Make your own perfume/aftershave as a special treat. (We’d suggest Eau De Sausage Roll. A fabulous scent created by soaking a sausage roll in alcohol for around 8 hours. Sieve the liquid into a perfume bottle and voila! It really is that simple.) Present the scent to your other half after dinner to top off what has undoubtedly been a fantastic evening.
Now it’s up to you. Follow these tips and you’ll truly be in for one hell of an evening. You can thank us in the morning…